Happy Fuc*ing Birthday

I wrote this post on my cellphone named Michael, and it takes me completely 7 days to finish this piece.

Hi Michael, long time no post. Well this time will be different, coz lots of things happen to me for the past two years.

As I'm about to reach my 22nd birthday, I remember what I asked when I was 19. Back then, I asked myself "what it feels like to be twenties?" and a good friend of mine once told me, "you will more concern about you're life. As you grow older, you will think so much about responsibility. You will think before you do anything. And if you lucky enough, you will be able to manage everything in your life wisely."

Back in those days, I can't help but wonder if those things will ever happen to me? Today, when I actually wrote this piece, it got me thinking about the conversation I had when I was 19, and though I yet be 22, but I can't help but wonder about what have I done for the last two years?

Many things happen to me, the good as well as the bad. Two important points that I learnt is when I'm about to be 21, I was learning HOW to be thankful about my family. And now, just when I'm about to turn 22, I learn about which choice should I choose for the rest me my life. But, as I think I'm getting wiser, I keep falling to the same hole, not once or twice and also not always but sometimes. The thing is I never doubt my choice that I made, but what's been bugging me is HOW could I prevent the same thing from happening again. As much as I don't wanna hurt God, I love the old me as well and it's totally a big bowl of mistake.

Sometimes, I just can't stand the drama that going in my mind. And I ever thought that, "am I losing my mind? Or is this just a nightmare that will never stop?". I can't help but wonder, when I was a teen, everything seems so easy and a little less complicated. But a wise man told me that growing up isn't going to be easy. There will be tons of mistake that you have to take, but it'll make you wiser because you will learn so many things from them. But always remember to never fall for the same mistake twice.

And it got me thinking, so I haven't been wiser? Well if it is the absolute score, it seems I haven't.

Well as I told you before, many things happened for me for the past two years. I got the chance to meet tons of interesting new people and I also make a tons of new friends as well, gaining tons of things about friendship, learning how to be more fake (as well as how to be real), get a little bit more intimate with God, falls in love (or may be just another obsession), and other important stuff that were to many to write. And I am thankful for them.


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Back when I was writing that piece, I felt thankful for everything ever happened to me. And I still am. But the opposite can come so quickly, and I never see it coming. Birthday always makes me feel sad and hopeless, why? Lemme goes gaga about it. The day that I was born is the same day as my uncle's. When I was a kid, I am wondering if I'm going to have my very own birthday party. The fact is, I still wonder until this very day.

At my birthday, everyone is getting so busy to prepare my uncle's. Not only my main family, but also my big family. They starting with planning the party, guess list, food and beverage, dress code, present, cakes, and every single detail of my uncle's birthday. So what about me? Yeah, though I feel unfair, my folks force me to get busy on those routine. And I always feels like a party planner instead of the birthday boy. Well the fact is everyone remember my birthday, but it takes them to finished the opening ceremony to congratulate me. Sad isn't it? Well try depressing.

These routine happen, as far as I can recall, for almost 22 years me my life. What makes it more depressing is there will be no cake for me, there isn't going to be a special party for me, I can't even hanging out my pals on my birthday.

This unstable feeling always happen on October 24th. Well at midnight, I always try to be thankful, and I am, for everything happened to me. But as the sun rise, everything will be as depressing as it could be.

I'm not afraid my birthday because everyone remind me that I'm getting older. I'm afraid because I always know that there won't be something special on that day. Everything will be exactly the same as it always be. Sometimes, I pray to God asked to change my birthday, but what can I say? I think not even God can change the past.